Getting out of the academia mindset is gonna take me some time… went to the company building thinking I’d better work onsite today, not realising unlike the maths department at uni, the company building actually shuts down on public holidays…

It’s been over a week I didn’t pay much attention to your social media again. I think I’m officially moving on.

I never got to tell you, that your damp body when you are sexually charged, smelt like European Ashes. The entire June when I was in Germany, away from you, heartbroken because we were drifting apart, I got reminded of this everyday, at random moments, wandering around in random places. I hate how activated my olfactory senses are and how much I associate memories with scents.

I’m glad that the is back online, because I’m really needing it now.

「苦是有生命力的」，有人這樣對我說。 她問我如何保持創造熱情，我說與其說是保持創作熱情，不如說生活太苦了，有時候需要輸出創作才能緩解生活的苦。 在重度抑鬱到時候聽到這種話，只能苦笑。 確實抑鬱到一個特定的區間，我創作力會暴漲，但朋友，這不是生命力，是死命力。

Woke up at 2am and wanted to reread all Milan Kundera‘s works.

Cried myself to sleep last night reading the book. Woke up at 5:25am with my phone in hand the screen still lit up on the page I left. Therapist asked me every session if I had managed to cry yet and the answer had been no for the past month and a half—no, it’s always not easy to cry for myself. Yet I cry so much for other people‘s lives.

On my commute to work. Had a breakdown reading Yiyun Li‘s Things in Nature Merely Grow.

There’s some weird comfort that comes with posting private thoughts online. Like publishing a memoir of journal entries. Only less organised and, free. It is an emotional (and intellectual, depending on what you post about) exhibitionist perversion I suppose. Not knowing who and when would see these lines written down that reflect only a fragment of myself for a specific time period, but only the unpredictable possibility of it being seen at some point, is liberating.

Gee. It’s happening again. I don’t know if this is more than friendship but I think I have some strong feelings for a friend.

I think Wim Wenders is a great director, when I allow myself to ignore all his films about/in Japan with this fetish white gaze…

I climb but I’m a lot more, a looooot more interesting than just a „boulderer“. Makes me pity those people who only have this one hobby they build their identity on.

Therapist: have you tried journaling? … Well you are asking the wrong question here. The real question is: How many different types of writing on how many different apps do I journal? Answer is: way too many.